Taking Names and Kissing A$$

(Long)

(tin foil hat)

It is my regular routine to grab a snack every 15-30 min. during weekdays aftercoming back for a “fantabulous” workday; consequentially, I’m able to get glimpses of the Television set in the living room. So, a couple days ago while making my 11^th trip across my room and the kitchen I noticed that they are always showing a picture of a president. Curiosity took the best of me, and I sat to watch the news knowing full heartedly the brain damage caused by this Evil inventions *Be Gone Sata~n*. Often, when a news network shows a president picture (or motion picture Fhatever the Wuck it is) it is followed by pictures of crazy hooligans & barbarians (For synonyms see: Citizens or Denizen). That’s when the truth hit me *Damn*; it’s not that the leaders are corrupt, it’s simply that the people are ungrateful son of ****** (Censored, FCC). After I realized what the issue is, I decide it out the goodness in my heart (Brain Alpha “Where is that?” Brain Beta shoots Brain Alpha) to dedicate few words to compliment the current most influential presidents of our time on their achievements.

Ah’m , Dear:

President Hamid Karazai, on behalf all the grateful citizens I thank you for supplying us with 90% of the world’s illegal opium, and I wish you progress in the coming years to achieve the percentage of 95. I also thank you for your vital role in saving mother earth; because of your bold head sir scientists have thought of new ways to saving sun energy. I hereby award you the Name: Karazai The Golden Opium.

Ah’m (followed by a strong cough), Dear:

President Mohamed Hosni Mubarak, Thank you for raising such wonderful kids, we look forward to have them rule over us with the same carelessness (I meant care *typo, backspace not working*) as you had.I also like to commend you for your patience in ruling over such ungrateful bunch for over 28 years. I suggest that we build a Pyramid for you bigger than the 3 already in existence, and it will be followed by 2 more pyramids for the future presidents and they’ll be called A7A (for meaning check with your nearest grumbling Egyptian friend).

Ah’m (followed by vomiting*Eww*), Dear:

Supreme Pontiff, Roman Catholic Church Benedict XVI (Also known as The Pope), Thank you for hushing down all the ridiculous news about sex abuse, I mean WTF, the priests were only performing a social service (you know how many people pay to get that service). I know that the long stick that you hold is for the purpose of exorcising unseen demons (Hsssh~! that’s our little secret). I shall provide you with the gift of: Kleines Kind (German*look it up*).

Ah’m, Dear:

Queen Elizabeth II (formerly known as Elizabeth Alexandra Mary), Thank you for being a witness throughout the world since WWII to our current day. I also thank you for dividing those low human scums know as Arabs and implanting between them a wonderful democratic example such as Israel *Tears of appreciation*. While it is a pity that you “don’t have actual political power” it is good to know you have control over other places all over the world such as Canada, Bahamas, Jamaica, and others. I pray like many other of your loyal supporters pray “May God take the queen”.

Ah’m, Dear:

Hu Jinato, President of China…..Um~~~!! F#@k I’m not going to mess with China man. They’re too powerful, I was going to mention something about them being too small but Yao Ming will kick my A$. So, I’ll I’m gonna say to China is to stay big, because if they stumble everybody is going to操你祖宗十八代 (Chinese) up (Brrrrt).

Ah’m, Dear:

King Fahd bin Abdul Aziz, WOW! King, old school ruling. To the point, I’d like thank you for keeping the Islamic ruling of passing the ruling within your family (wait, They didn't rule like that did they?)whatever they (Saudi) say their right. I’d like also the fact that you use your oil as a tool of pressure on those freaking Arabs and give it to the western civilization (The greatest of all humans) with such good prices. Your Minus (I meant highness that F8ing backspace still not working) I wish you enjoy your $20 something something billion dollars that I’m sure you saved by your personal effort.

OK…. These are the last two because I have shi* to do people.

Ah’m, Dear:

Barack Hussein O’Bama, I know your still a new president but your accomplishment for the past years are known some of them are: ………………..crickets…….(2 hours passed). Did I tell you your name was so cool? Keep the Israelis close and kick some Arab Azz.

Ah’m, Dear:

Last but of course not least, Moshe Katsav, Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for being the most democratic and peaceful country on earth. Thank you for preserving the innocence of the children and the word “Purity” in war. You are always trying to fight these damn terrorist organization who disguise themselves as civilians. If you ever need a body guard *call somebody else mother#@ker* holla. Peace and love.

If I didn’t mention your president it wasn’t because I’m busy or anything like that! It’s most likely that he’s not important enough to mention.

(tin foil hat/)

Fighting Against Your Other Self!

Quite often when I'm watching a drama do I hear the wise line "In order to beat your enemy, you have to be able to beat yourself" I'm thinking WTF, which one, I rarely feel the same and these guys make it look like were one of two people: a) Angelical good, or b) Devilish Evil. Then I started thinking that I might have multiple personalities and sh**, then one of my other selves told me no, your cool, your awesome, your adorable (until I was like enough already) he said ok; it's just them man. Most people they often have more than two personalities. I believed the guy of course, I mean come on, he's me. So, at this point I did what a normal sane person would do, and I had a meeting with my other selves to see who's staying and who's getting knocked the F*** out.
The personalities that attended the meeting according to seniority were: Selfish, Honest, Interesting, Helpless, Sloppy, Childish, Nasty, Creative, Inconsiderate, Sarcastic, Forgetful, Lazy, Disorganized, Ambitious, Timid, Loquacious, Crazy, Depressing, Comical, and last but certainly not least Evil. While I sat in the middle of this large company, all sharing a bowl of noodles, we mulled over who should leave! The first ones to get the boot were Sloppy and Childish, Inconsiderate made some inconsiderate comment about his companions, so we got rid of him too. Honest wanted to leave but we convinced him at the last minute to stay. Comical was cancelling out depressing so they're both staying, Forgetful and Disorganized get along just fine, and we tried to get rid of Evil but couldn't.

That was the End of our first annual meeting, and these were the traits we decided to keep this year.

I don’t really care which of your personalities you decide to keep, It's up to you to decide.